Editorial Page/Rants/Random Musings
ANOTHER BRILLIANT PLAN FOILED
I was going to quit my day job and start a 1-900 "Intelligent Conversation" phone bank, but after
doing extensive marketing research it was determined that I would wind up spending most of
my time talking to myself, and would eventually starve... - 28 June 2003
MONDO STROM EULOGY
I thought Strom Thurman was never going to die; he seemed to be too twisted to be accepted
into the bowels of hell where he belonged.
If I knew all it would take to finish him off
was the Supreme Court to rule that consenting adults could engage in sodomy in private, I
would have sent a hit team of drag queens and gender-benders to his house to put on a special
"show" for him.
He will be greatly missed by comedians and the good citizenry of South Carolina, the former
because he was always great fodder for one-liners and SNL skits, and the latter because if there
was anyone else as ignorant, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, mean-spirited, ill-bred a
Neanderthal peckerwood as he, they would have elected him and put Strom out to pasture long ago.
Good riddance to bad white trash. - 27 June 2003
THE PURPLEPILL.COM SYNDROME
Now the makers of Nexium have taken the hostname "purplepill.com" to promote their
anti-heartburn medication. The only pills that should be purple are MICRODOTS (if you're too
young or unhip to remember microdots, look up "microdot + LSD" on Google), and you
should see God, demons, melting walls, etc. when you take them!!!
Luckily I don't really watch TV, don't have one in my house, and only occasional view it
elsewhere for news, the odd sporting event, or The Sopranos. It seems like every time I do, every
other commercial is for some heartburn, "acid reflux disease", anti-cholesteral drug or other
items of this ilk.
Here's a news flash for the American public: There's NO such thing as "acid reflux disease";
this and the heartburn is your body trying to tell you that you're eating a bunch of SHIT!
Eating no end of crap and having chronic heartburn and "acid reflux" is NOT a disease, but
rather the end result of extremely poor dietary habits.
Try paying attention to what your body is telling you, stop eating all the greasy fast food,
ordering quadruple pepperoni on your pizza, and you won't need any little purple pills, unless you're into microdots....
25 Jun 2003
WE MISSED THE BOAT ON THE FRENCH THING
THE GREAT IRAQ WMD INTELLIGENCE DEBACLE
While we were wasting our time renaming pommes frites "Freedom Fries", and pouring perfectly
good wine down the storm sewers, we missed the chance to actually do something that would make
a difference; we should have packed up every French Poodle in the U.S. and shipped them all back
on scows to LeHarve!
These things aren't really dogs anyway, but some form of yipping, hyperactive overgrown rodent that has been
inbred worse than the French themselves (I guess on the same principle, who else would do them?) for
so long that their average intellect would be that of George Bush or a piece of citrus fruit; they're
too stupid to even be able to be "silly"... (I meant the poodles, but I see your point...)
They are just another of a long list of things the French have done only to annoy us, like inventing the
brassiere or giving Jerry Lewis medals for God knows what, they can't really find him FUNNY, can they?
Is it too late, or can we load the Quebecois (Lord knows the Canadians don't want them either) up with the
poodles and send them all back? 24 June 2003
What this has really proven is that NO ONE in congress, nor any of their staffers, aides or
even interns knows how to use an internet search engine, we already KNEW that the quantities
of liquor, pills and other intoxicants they use render their memories. non-functional. Hell, most
of them are lawyers, anyway, so intellectually they're suspect to start out with. Well, guys, let
me save the American taxpayers the money you'd blow on your investigating committees, here's the
approximate timeline, drawn from memory:
Jun-Sep 2002 The CIA carefully analyzes all the data collected for the last 20 years and CANNOT find
ANY connection between Saddam and Al Qaeda, or any definitive indications of mass stockpiles of
Late Oct. 2002 - After George Tenet announces as much to closed Congressional commitees, ReichsFuehrer
Rumsfeld announces that the CIA has no clue of what they are doing, after all they are JUST our foreign
intelligence service, and declares that the Pentagon will "re-review and re-analyze all the CIA's
Nov-Dec 2002 - Suprise, Golly, Shazam! The ReichsFuehrer's henchmen come up with NO end of evidence after
carefully "re-analyzing" the data of terrorist connections, indications of enough biological and chemical
weapons to kill off the entire planet, and other stuff so dreadful that our only recourse would be to
invade Iraq, throw off the despotic regime of Saddam Hussein and replace it with the House of Halliburton
dynasty, soon to be appointed/elected/whatever...
To date: The only WMD evidence found so far has been some barrels of French pesticides and a couple of "mobile
anthrax laboratory trucks" which would appear to be mobile electrical generation units with the generators
stripped off, but the dials and gauges intact. The "Al Qaeda" training camp was a small refuge of Taliban/Al Qaeda
irregulars pushed out of Afghanistan into an area of Iraq controlled by our allies the Kurds in the extreme
northeastern part of Iraq. 19 June 2003
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