Editorial Page/Rants/Random Musings

ANOTHER BRILLIANT PLAN FOILED

I was going to quit my day job and start a 1-900 "Intelligent Conversation" phone bank, but after doing extensive marketing research it was determined that I would wind up spending most of my time talking to myself, and would eventually starve... - 28 June 2003

MONDO STROM EULOGY

I thought Strom Thurman was never going to die; he seemed to be too twisted to be accepted into the bowels of hell where he belonged.
If I knew all it would take to finish him off was the Supreme Court to rule that consenting adults could engage in sodomy in private, I would have sent a hit team of drag queens and gender-benders to his house to put on a special "show" for him.
He will be greatly missed by comedians and the good citizenry of South Carolina, the former because he was always great fodder for one-liners and SNL skits, and the latter because if there was anyone else as ignorant, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, mean-spirited, ill-bred a Neanderthal peckerwood as he, they would have elected him and put Strom out to pasture long ago. Good riddance to bad white trash. - 27 June 2003

THE PURPLEPILL.COM SYNDROME

Now the makers of Nexium have taken the hostname "purplepill.com" to promote their anti-heartburn medication. The only pills that should be purple are MICRODOTS (if you're too young or unhip to remember microdots, look up "microdot + LSD" on Google), and you should see God, demons, melting walls, etc. when you take them!!!
Luckily I don't really watch TV, don't have one in my house, and only occasional view it elsewhere for news, the odd sporting event, or The Sopranos. It seems like every time I do, every other commercial is for some heartburn, "acid reflux disease", anti-cholesteral drug or other items of this ilk. Here's a news flash for the American public: There's NO such thing as "acid reflux disease"; this and the heartburn is your body trying to tell you that you're eating a bunch of SHIT! Eating no end of crap and having chronic heartburn and "acid reflux" is NOT a disease, but rather the end result of extremely poor dietary habits. Try paying attention to what your body is telling you, stop eating all the greasy fast food, ordering quadruple pepperoni on your pizza, and you won't need any little purple pills, unless you're into microdots.... 25 Jun 2003

WE MISSED THE BOAT ON THE FRENCH THING

While we were wasting our time renaming pommes frites "Freedom Fries", and pouring perfectly good wine down the storm sewers, we missed the chance to actually do something that would make a difference; we should have packed up every French Poodle in the U.S. and shipped them all back on scows to LeHarve!
These things aren't really dogs anyway, but some form of yipping, hyperactive overgrown rodent that has been inbred worse than the French themselves (I guess on the same principle, who else would do them?) for so long that their average intellect would be that of George Bush or a piece of citrus fruit; they're too stupid to even be able to be "silly"... (I meant the poodles, but I see your point...)
They are just another of a long list of things the French have done only to annoy us, like inventing the brassiere or giving Jerry Lewis medals for God knows what, they can't really find him FUNNY, can they?
Is it too late, or can we load the Quebecois (Lord knows the Canadians don't want them either) up with the poodles and send them all back? 24 June 2003