Jack's Bizarre News of the World

Published whenever I get around to it....


Egypt bans 'too religious' Matrix

(BBC)Global blockbuster The Matrix Reloaded has been banned in Egypt because of its "violent" content and because it tackles "religious themes". The country's censorship board said the film's storyline, about the search for the creator and control of the human race, may cause "crises". Violent scenes also had the potential to "harm social peace", a statement said. The first Matrix movie was released in Egypt but was criticised by Islamic newspapers for promoting Zionism. The country's most senior film committee, made up of 15 critics, academics, writers and psychologists, watched the sequel on Monday. A statement said: "Despite the high technology and fabulous effects of the movie, it explicitly handles the issue of existence and creation, which are related to the three divine religions, which we all respect and believe in."

Dude! Look What I Caught in My, Uh, Uh, Net...

PARIS (Reuters) - A French fisherman netted a surprise catch this week -- 66 pounds of cannabis. The man was fishing on the river Yvette, on the southern edge of Paris, when he spotted something strange in the water, French media reported Friday. Taking a closer look, he discovered 28 bags, each containing a little over a kilogram of cannabis resin and immediately alerted the police. "Perhaps it was the usual hiding place for a drug trafficker," a local policeman was quoted as saying in the Liberation daily. "With the heat, the (water) level had fallen. There was only about 50 cm of water," he said. "It's very rare that people bring in this sort of commodity in such quantities."

Naked Man Scares Shark to Death?

LONDON (Reuters) - A British comedian could face criminal charges over the death of a "sensitive" shark after he jumped into a tank at an aquarium in the nude, the Daily Telegraph newspaper reported Friday. The 12-year old smooth hound shark, which measured three feet, died suddenly two days after Guy Venables jumped into its tank as a publicity stunt at the Brighton Sea Life Center, southern England. "This variety of shark is susceptible to stress. We are very concerned he died as a result of seeing Mr Venables jumping into the tank," Sea Life Center's Lisa Handscomb told the newspaper. "The shark is being examined by our biological services team and if it is found that he died from stress, we will prosecute Mr Venables for criminal damage

Witch to Loch Ness Monster: 'Don't Be Shy'

LONDON (Reuters) - Sorcerer Kevin Carlyon performed an incantation on the shores of Loch Ness on Friday, trying to lure Britain's favorite monster into the open. Carlyon, High Priest of British White Witches, said he had cast a spell two years ago to scare off the monster so it would not be caught by a visiting Swedish scientist Jan Sundberg. But Sundberg is no longer a threat, he said, and now the time has come to reverse the hex on "Nessie." "I feel this one went quite well," he told Reuters afterwards. "There have been very few sightings over the last couple of years and the aim is to slightly reverse the spell so Nessie starts to pop up again." Reports of a "horrible great beastie" have been emerging from the 200-meter deep Scottish loch for many centuries, often describing a black creature with a fat body and serpentine neck. But it was not until a road was built along the shoreline in the 1930s that Nessie-watching really took off. These days, there are numerous web-cams beaming 24-hour footage of the dark waters around the world via the Internet. "I personally believe what is up here is more a spirit or a ghost than anything," said Carlyon, who discovered his own paranormal powers aged five when he correctly predicted a school mate would fall out of a tree and break his arm. During Friday's ceremony, Carlyon said he cast a talisman into the loch -- a flat stone inscribed with ancient Nordic runes and witchcraft symbols -- while chanting the incantation: "Let Nessie be free, may her spirit be free, so may it be."


Shoplifter Releases Bees As Diversion

SEDALIA, Mo. - A shoplifter caused a buzz in a department store restroom and made off with about $60 worth of CDs, perfume, batteries and scissors. The man released a swarm of honeybees in a Kmart restroom, creating a diversion that allowed him to escape, authorities said. Store security spotted the man shoplifting Monday and followed him to the restroom to confront him. When the worker opened the door, about 100 bees buzzed out. "He probably started yelling 'Bees! Bees!' or whatever the case may be, then created that big diversion, then got out," said police Cmdr. John DeGonia. Store employees pulled cans of bug spray off store shelves to kill the bees. No one was stung.

Fired Workers Attack Boss With Spears

JAKARTA, Indonesia - Fired workers from a local Volvo dealership in Indonesia attacked their Swedish boss with spears after negotiations over severance pay went awry, police said Friday. Michael Olsson was stabbed in the back and slashed in the face at a meeting with the workers last week in Balikpapan, East Kalimantan, police said. Four men have been arrested in the attack. Three were among 31 workers who had recently been fired from the dealership, police said. A fourth was a member of right-wing youth group known for thuggery, they said. Olsson, an executive with local Volvo dealer PT Eka Dharma, was trying to negotiate a settlement with the workers, who were demanding that eight managers also be fired and that the company give them 10 billion rupiah (US$1.2 million) in compensation. The Swedish newspaper Blekinge Laens Tidning said Olsson was hospitalized in Borneo. It also said Olsson, a native of Karlskrona, 370 kilometers (220 miles) south of the capital, Stockholm, had not sought the help of Swedish Embassy. East Kalimantan is on Borneo island, where some tribal groups have carried out bloody attacks in recent years on settlers from other parts of Indonesia. Labor strife is common in Indonesia and is partly to blame for a drop in foreign investment in recent years. Multinationals complain of having to endure violent strikes and villagers who attempt to extort money by blockading roads and attacking facilities.

Britney to get throbbing blow-up breasts

LONDON (Reuters) - U.S. pop star Britney Spears is to get a pair of inflatable, throbbing breasts that will pulsate in time to her dancing -- at least her waxwork model will at Madame Tussauds museum in London. "There are plans to make a new figure of Britney Spears," a spokeswoman said on Friday. "She'll be very sexy and she'll have heaving bosoms. But this is only in the very early stages of planning." She said the model would be based on one of Britney's videos, in which she dances breathlessly around a pole, and would be accompanied by professionals who would teach museum visitors the tricks of the trade. The initiative is the latest by the museum to make its models not just visual but tactile. "Brad Pitt has got a squeezable (latex) bum, but Britney would be the first with heaving bosoms," added the spokeswoman.

Husband Killed in Fight Over Goats

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) - An Eldon, Oklahoma, woman has been charged with shooting her husband dead after an argument over who should feed the couple's goats, police said on Thursday. Authorities charged Pearl Lynne Smith, 47, with first-degree murder for the death of her husband, Thomas Smith, 51. Sheriff's deputies responded to a domestic disturbance call at the couple's rural eastern Oklahoma home on Tuesday and found the husband dead, shot once through the chest. We were told that what prompted this disagreement was her failure to feed the goats," Cherokee County Undersheriff Dan Garber said. Garber said the wife pointed a 9 mm pistol at her husband and demanded that he go feed the goats. Thomas Smith then dared his wife to shoot him, Garber said. When he took a step toward Pearl, she killed him with a single shot, Garber added. The two had a history of domestic trouble, Garber said, and the argument over feeding the goats was the breaking point. "Something like that is the trigger that unlocks something deeper," Garber said.

U.S. Marines, Navy Recruit 7-Year-Old

NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla. - First the Marines came calling. Now the Navy wants Joey Crossman. But is Joey ready? After all, he's only 7. The name of the elementary school student mistakenly landed on military recruitment lists, most likely through a magazine subscription, and the military has been wooing him ever since. In April, the Marines sent Joey a recruitment letter. Then came the Navy's invitation last week. "We're just waiting for the Army and the Air Force," said Joey's mother, Kathy Crossman. "He's probably the most wanted 7-year-old in the country." The Navy challenged Joey to "accelerate" his life. "For every time someone said you couldn't do it. Or you don't have what it takes ... Prove them wrong," the letter said. "I can assure you the United States Navy is not in the business of recruiting 7-year-olds," said Lt. Bill Davis, a spokesman for Navy Recruiting Command in Millington, Tenn. "Our minimal age is 17 with parental consent. "But if he's got interest in the Navy and he wants to find out more, we'll help him. It has to start somewhere," Davis added. If the Navy wants Joey, it may have to make some changes to accommodate his standard of living. Joey toured the USS Yorktown during a family trip to South Carolina in April and wasn't impressed with the hard, impersonal bunks. "The bathrooms they had weren't working," Joey said. "I just don't want to live on a ship."

Dumb Crime Dept.

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (Reuters):A note to all job seekers: you know that your employment interview did not go well when your prospective boss calls the police in to arrest you. Anthony Kaleb Phillips, 20 was hauled away from an interview for a job with a construction company in Stillwater, Oklahoma last week after employees recognised the job applicant as the person seen on a surveillance videotape robbing the same business just one day before, police said on Monday. Phillips is expected to be arraigned this week on burglary charges for stealing a $100 tool (63 pounds) from the construction company and about $1,000 worth of items from an employee's car parked at the office, court officials said. "When he went out there to apply for the job, there was no one there. So he just helped himself to some items and left," said Payne County Undersheriff Kenneth Willerton. "However, he was caught on videotape." A day after the robbery, Phillips applied for a job with the construction company, and was arrested. Needless to say, he didn't get the job.

Columbus, Ohio (AP):A bank robbery suspect learned a painful lesson: Never shove stolen money containing an explosive dye pack down your pants. Shortly after the National City Bank downtown was robbed Thursday, police spotted John Gladney, 40, about a block away, walking strangely, in obvious pain. Officers stopped Gladney and discovered he had been injured when the dye pack exploded near his groin, said Sgt. Brent Mull, police spokesman. Gladney was charged with aggravated robbery.

Erpfendorf, Austria (Ananova):A woman who reported a pair of expensive ski trousers stolen forgot to take them off before going to the police station.She had hoped to claim back the insurance.The 23-year-old from Holland was on holiday in Austria when she tried to make her claim.She told police in Erpfendorf in Tyrol that her skis and ski-wear had been stolen.But she confessed to attempted fraud after police officers pointed out that she was wearing them.She told police: "I was so nervous about making the claim that I forgot to take the trousers off. I wanted the insurance money for university."The case has been handed over to the Erpfendorf public prosecutor who will decide whether to press charges for attempted fraud.

Tauranga, New Zealand (Ananova):A New Zealand man ended up in court after he was seen speeding semi-naked down a road on a motorised barstool with his backside on fire.Neighbours reported John Sullivan to the police and he has now been sentenced to carry out 200 hours' community work.Sullivan, of Tauranga, confessed to having "had a few" and said he shouldn't have been on the road on the motorised barstool, which he claimed could reach 50mph.The flames come courtesy of one of Mr Sullivan's party tricks which involves a piece of rolled-up newspaper and a cigarette lighter.Sullivan was upset taxpayers' money was spent prosecuting him, but conceded that driving a vehicle with no warrant and no registration was probably pushing the law a bit far."One cop wasn't too happy but the other two were laughing their heads off," he told the New Zealand Herald.

Bizarre websites

This is the funniest thing I've seen on the web so far this year, streaming video, broadband recommended:
George and Tony at the Gay Bar


The "Butt Bra"

Unfortunately, this one's NOT a joke...

Speak like a Scotsman

WMD can't be displayed

Political Cartoons


TomToles
Danziger
Doonesbury
TedRall
BenSargent

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